大爱 - dà ài
Selfless, ego-transcending, universal love and dedication that goes beyond personal self-interest, expecting nothing in return
I am grateful to the couple that actually returned my NRIC and Driving License, coming up to my door one of the evenings. The cards slipped from my loose purse, and I must have accidentally dropped them at the pavement. They could have walked past, could have done nothing, and I would never have known. I hope they felt happy after they did that, as I felt my thank yous feel empty.
大爱 - dà ài has been a recurring theme in the past weeks of my life. I guess, it has become more pronounced since leaving my corporate job. Perhaps because the mix of people I interact with daily has shifted from colleagues to friends, family, and strangers. I suppose fundamentally, that also changes the stakes in these interpersonal relationships.
Between colleagues, being pleasant and kind often correlates directly to certain self-interests (Help you to help me), and it never is truly selfless when everyone's monetary interests and daily eight waking hours are tightly twisted together like a Rubik's cube.
Between family and friends, we give our time and headspace because we enjoy their company. We exchange ideas, memories, and we create new experiences together. When I shop, I think about what the people whom I love might like, and maybe I can bring a little something to them to see them smile. All these come naturally, for us to follow our hearts and wish we have more time, money and freedom for these.
The one that I wanted to think about today is the small acts of kindness, altruism between strangers.
Watching Dear You, I was jolted to think about how and why we are so touched by the immense act of altruism for a friend, and then a stranger. Is it because most people wouldn't? Is it rare in today's world?
Kindness, even with the prospects of returns, require some level of contemplation..?
Until very recently, I have had tunnel vision when I wander in the crowds, perhaps unknowingly, one of the entitled people that have their eyes glued to the screen as I multi-task, reply emails, read messages while traversing the MRT train system. I can navigate 'with my eyes closed', I think.
In Singapore, the places where we cross paths with strangers the most is on public transport.
It also is the place where it's easy to be a good person, but many actually don't. Imagine, if this were a game, ranking the degrees of kind acts from the lowest effort to the highest efforts:
Level 1: Not blocking someone's path
Level 2: Muting your phone's volume
Level 3: Giving up your seat when you're on the Priority Seat
Level 4: Giving up your seat even if you're on a non-Priority Seat
Level 5: Adjusting where you hang onto so someone else can have a better grip
Level 6: Informing someone if their bag is unzipped
Level 7: Giving directions to someone who seems lost
Level 8: Running after someone who has dropped something
Frequently, we already see that Level 1 - 3 being violated, and that triggers much angst.
You would see that going out of our way to be kind to a stranger, someone we may not care to continue a friendship/relationship with in future, someone whom we are not able to 'reap' benefits from, even the future joys of reminscing memories together, is something that increasingly people do not want to partake in.
I am reflecting about why, could it be that by being kind to someone else, it diminishes our ability or resources to be kind to someone we actually love? Yes I suppose, if it takes time and energy. If you had the time to help a stranger clean up their house, why wouldn't you spend that effort first and foremost to clean your own home or a parent/friend that needs help?
To me that could actually be an 'valid reason', because we all have limited time and energy.
But deep down, could it be that by being kind to someone else, do we not feel happy about it?
Why I say this is because if you followed the same vein, being nice to colleagues, friends, family, and even ourselves, is actually rooted heavily in selfishness (preserving self-interest, seeing them smile gives ourselves happiness). And if we instinctively do not want to be kind to a stranger, it is because we receive absolutely nothing from it.
A handful of you would probably say, No, I feel happy when I am nice to a stranger, I do 'receive' joy even if I never see that person again.
Does that prove the converse must be true, that if someone chooses not to be nice to a stranger, they do not receive joy from that? What does that say about humanity, that we've lost our ability to feel empathy being kind to someone else?
Following these trains of thought, the natural conclusion is that these people are suffering from so much overload, in that even in the smallest act of kindness, it eats into their limited (and maybe even going into deficit) mental bandwidth.
As I drive these looping lanes of logic in words, perhaps the greatest kindness of all, would be to know and be understanding that these people who refuse to be 'kind and emphathetic' even in the easiest of ways, are really the ones carrying the heaviest, invisible loads.